32. 21 May 2013 - Appointment at the hospital

My blood test results were all good news. My thyroid is still holding up ok, my neutrophils are up to 6.3 (towards the top of normal), and my platelets, though still falling, are falling slowly. I am anaemic, but only very slightly - normal for a woman is 150 - 120, and I scored 118.

As my neutrophils are quite high I'll be taking a couple of weeks break from the Lenograstim. I'm not sure about this, as on the forum, people found that for 3 days after injecting G-CSF their neutrophils were high; i.e. that it worked immediately; but that 3 days later after all the new white blood cells had died (they have a three day lifespan), their neutrophil count would be pretty much back to where it was.  My nurse insists that Lenograstim works by stimulating bone marrow stem cell production and works over a couple of week timeframe. So, I'm not taking any for the next couple of weeks, and then will have another blood test to see how they are holding up.

The nurse prescribed me some sunblock and a 500ml bottle of Aveeno lotion, to save me the full cost.

I've put on about 4kgs/9lbs since I started treatment. It's all the snacking. I've stopped having treats with my Boceprevir, and have half an Oatibix with some milk - about 50 calories. I'm still in my healthy weight band, and the extra fat gives more space for the injections.

We chatted through how i'm doing, and a bit about how I'm feeling. I told the nurse that I'm finding depression the main challenge, but down-played it a bit. I'm already on 40mg of Citalopram, and I don't really want to go up to 60mg, and I think that would have been his suggestion.

I feel boring, as I don't do much except what is necessary. I am not engaged in anything apart from treatment. I can hardly string a sentence together, except, would you like a cup of tea. I fear that my boyfriend is going to get bored with me and fall out of love with me, that he will forget that this isn't what I'm really like, before I recover. But, although that is difficult, and sad, and how I feel, I know it's probably paranoia - so what's the point in asking for help with it. "I keep having these stupid thoughts...." How can the nurse help me with that? The greatest battle is in the mind. I feel like I should be learning something profound about life from this, but my brain is too dull.

Week 12 blood tests on Friday. Eek!