I have too much time to think about starting, and it is building my fear of the treatment. It's kind of like hanging about at the top of a cliff looking down, but not launching your glider. Vertigo.
I am worried that I don't have enough support.
It was Grandma's birthday last weekend, and mine last week, and we met for our annual joint birthday get together. I was awake at 3 in the morning, unable to sleep, and distressed, scared. I realised it was because I had been looking forward to seeing my brothers, Aunt and Uncle, Mum and Dad, to recharge my courage from their support; but when it came to it I didn't mention starting the treatment. I looked around the dinner table, at everyone talking superficial pleasantnesses and thought, this is what this weekend is for, not for getting attention and support for me.
I get cross when I'm with the aunts and uncles, that we aren't closer, that our relationship isn't realer. They do know I have Hep C, and they are aware I did the treatment before. Mum doesn't want me to talk about it though. I think because it takes her back to the time when I got it, all that unpleasant craziness. And my main loyalty is for Mum, so if she doesn't want it mentioned, I let it go. I don't know if it's the right thing to do though.
Anyway. At 3 in the morning, I was really upset, crying on the bathroom floor with my need to be able to be myself, and be accepted by my family. I realised it was unrealistic, and that they were there to have a nice time, not to look after me. But I decided that I was going to look after me, and came back home to A. That was not a 'done thing to do', but I did it, I left early. I wonder if there will be any fallout.
My Aunt texted to say she wants to come and visit. I don't want to tell her about the treatment now, because it will only make her doubly determined to visit, to look after me. But she's a stressful visitor, nothing is right for her, and things have to be her way. (Mum says I'm just like her, only when she's cross with me.) So I've not responded to my Aunt's text, and that's not polite, but I just don't know what to say.
I've emailed both my brothers this week telling them I'm starting the treatment, and heard nothing back from either of them. I asked G to be back up support, just in case, as he's physically closest. Email silence. I'm feeling sorry for myself now writing this!
My dear friend J has sworn she's there for me any time, but that's just silly. She lives on the other side of the country, has two children under 3 and a teenager to take care of, and a stroppy husband.
A will be looking after me. So long as he doesn't start drinking again. A is addicted to alcohol. He's been sober for nearly a year now. When he drinks he makes Mr Hyde look reasonable and caring. But at he moment he's dear Dr Jekyll, and wants to stay that way.
Last Friday I spent all morning reading the posts on the Boceprevir thread, in the HCV support forum http://hcvsupport.org/forum/index.php?topic=2472.0. That was what got me really scared. Tales of cracked tongues from all mucous membranes turning sahara like, anaemia, depression, exhaustion. I don't want to do it!
And the new treatments look so good. 80% cure rates for null responders, not the 40% achieved by Boceprevir. And no interferon. I am going to put myself through this, 48 weeks of feeling ill, all for a dream to be able to start a family, which is a long way off being a plan. A is not in a position to promise anything. Still, if I don't try, it definitely won't happen, and I do dearly want a family.
Thanks for listening to my rantings, cyberverse. See you again soon.
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