There haven't been any dramatic changes over the past few weeks, a gentle worsening in how I feel.
One thing, as you can tell, is that I'm much less communicative. I can't think of what to say. I feel dull. It's not a big deal, it just means that I don't really enjoy conversation or writing, it takes a lot of concentration and energy, and even then I'm not very good at it. So I'm getting so that, on balance, I tend not to call/write/speak.
Work is taking me much longer than usual, because I keep forgetting what I'm doing. And also I'm making more mistakes, because I can't hold a complex concept in my mind. So I have to work by trial and error in little pieces. Still I am making progress. I started working from home, to try and keep up. In some ways I feel useful and on top of things, and on the other I feel exhausted and overwhelmed.
There's been a heat wave here in the UK. I pretty much have to hide from the sun. Just 15 minutes strong sunlight gives me a rash, even with factor 50 suncream on. That's less time than it takes to walk to the shop back.
I'm much less motivated now about my treatment as well. I don't keep up with my stickers, I'm into the swing of taking the medication now. So far I think I've missed a couple of Ribavirin doses, but that's it. It's just little things like; I moisturise my skin less often than before, and I don't floss my teeth everyday to keep them meticulously clean. Partly it's because I think I'm tolerating the medication a bit better, now that I'm on the Lenograstim and that's keeping up my white blood cell count (to some extent). On the other hand it's because I've lost the drive to do much really, including exercise.
To keep me going at work during the longer days that I've been working (I'm really busy at the moment) I've been eating sweet things: biscuits, ice cream, cake. Unsurprisingly, I've put on about a stone in weight. I'm not happy about this, I feel unattractive, which isn't helping my confidence. I am worried that my boyfriend will go off me, not because I've put on weight, but because I'm no fun. On the other hand, not feeling good in myself doesn't help. But I, so far, show no signs of tackling it. I don't want to deprive myself of one of the few things that is a pleasure that I can do.
Feeling sorry for myself? I am a bit, definitely. Just coming up to halfway, three weeks until I get there. It seems like such a long time to go till the end of February.
I'm seeing my GP on Friday, as a first step to trying to get some support in place to keep me going to the end of treatment. I'll raise it with the nurse at the hospital as well.
Something that my boyfriend suggested, which I think is a really good idea (I haven't got round to it yet) is to set up rewards for reaching certain waymarks. For example, when I get to 24 weeks, we're going out to dinner. I think I should plan a treat for every four weeks I get through, up until the end of treatment.
I planned the start of treatment and my preparation for treatment meticulously. But I haven't planned the end of treatment, or what I'm going to do after treatment. And I think that would really motivate If I could lay out plans fair things I want to do afterwards; reducing my antidepressant dose, starting do more exercise. And also I feel like I want a proper holiday booked for after treatment finishes. Two weeks in Spain; learning Spanish, exploring… a real adventure.
That's me. I hope you're doing well.
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